Every Moment Matters

Every August, a group of students enter my classroom. I teach them math, we share laughs, and in May, I send them on to the next grade. As soon as I meet them, I focus on pushing them ahead. Make them better than they were. It’s the way the system works.

I know this is every teacher’s focus. So when I see student from one of my previous classes outside of school, I always hit them up to see how they’re doing. How much farther ahead they’ve gotten on this push. How close they are to that point of living in this successful future that I’ve envisioned for each of them.

When I learn that a former student has passed on before they reach this point. I feel like a deal has broken. I’ve always had a quiet arrangement with my students. It’s a one-sided contract that I’ve never told them about. If I were to put this deal in writing it would read something like this:

I, the teacher, will have you, the student, in my class for one year. After that, I may never see you again. But I will spend the rest of my life entertaining hopes and dreams for your future success.

My students are heading off to do great things. I am certain. I have visions of grandeur for each child: the ER doctor off to her life-saving surgery, the Supreme Court Justice to his Bench, the Broadway actress off to her stage, and the Naval Commander to his ship.

When a student dies, those dreams are wiped away. The hopes are gone. The deal is off.

A teacher must look backward, not forward, to see that particular child. He is sitting at his table. He is playing tag. He is crying because his dad did not come see him this weekend. He is planning what he wants his future to be like. He plans to grow up like the rest of the class.

But it’s not going to happen.

As a teacher, you find out that once in awhile there is no next year. That the biggest days of this person’s life might be spent right there, sitting in front of you at their desk.

I need to remember that every moment matters.

Writing Challenge: Day 2


Write about 5 Places You Wish to Visit.

I will try my best to narrow down my picks. Can’t say that the ones I’ve chosen are even my “top 5 places to visit ever”, I think this will be more of a “hopefully the next 5 places I visit” list. Of course, I say this like I have a passport and a list of people interested in traveling with me. I definitely don’t. Also, I really know very little about these places so if my insight or word structure describing these destinations appears to be lacking you can shut up.

Place 1) San Francisco – I could dedicate an entire post to this particular location and everything I want to get out of it while I visit. Where do I start? The Golden Gate Bridge. I love it. It’s appears to be a beautiful structure. I can’t explain why I’m drawn to a bridge, exactly. Maybe it was the intro to those Full House episodes. Maybe it’s because where I come from the bridges are shit. Like even- possibly made out of shit. Ok, ok, not actual shit. But they’re bad. Real bad. Michael Jackson. Anyway, I’ve researched SF a lot. and this particular location in SF the most. This research has included the better locations for the best Golden Gate Bridge pictures. Also, by ‘research’ I mean ‘pinterest’ so it could all be lies. This being said, I’d still love to spend one entire day just being close to this spot in San Francisco. Biking, Hiking, Photographing, People watching, whatever. Then I would spend the rest of my time venturing more into other places. The trip ideas are endless. I’ve heard things about the people, food, and nightlife. Beyond positive things. (Except for one person that told me SF is overrated and is covered in dog shit for miles.) Still, I want to see firsthand what this place is all about. I want to hit it with an explorer’s attitude. & I’m going to. I will definitely cross this place off my list at some point. Sooner rather than later.

Place 2) New Zealand – Adventure. I’ve had to have mentioned this place before in a post. Because it’s awesome. It really seems like a different world. The hobbit trails, the mountain views, ..I know I’ve typed about this place. I’ll shut up about it. This being said, I’m afraid this one might let me down the most. I have these really high expectations of what this place is like, possibly unreachable. I’ve recently came across a blog from someone that lives there entitled “What New Zealand is really like.” I saw C- landscapes at best and fog. Not like fun city fog. Gross fog.

Place 3) Italy – So I can be one of those snobby people that can bring my travels into conversation at the drop of a hat. I’d love to spend a month/summer there to live/explore. Then I could come back to let people know I’m cultured these days and I no longer belch mid-sentence. Ok. I don’t actually do that. Any more. As often. However trips to Italy aren’t cheap, the flight alone will ensure that I have one less child in the future. Until then Pizza Hut it is.

Place 4) Salt Lake City – This is a recent interest. A friend of mine mentioned it as a potential place to live. California and Vegas sound like great weekend destinations to run off to. Also, the pictures of the landscape in Salt Lake City look great. I’d love to scope the place out. Not sure, I’d fully commit to moving just yet. I’d really prefer a place away from potential snow. Don’t care to drive in it. I get angry when we come across a snow dusting, and I still have to drive to work.

Place 5) Dominican Republic – Maybe because it’s December and I miss shorts and summer days. Needless to say, it’s another beach pick. I’m sure this is another great spot full of culture that I’d want to experience in person. My main reason for picking this place was wanting a memorable spot to relax. When I say ‘relax’ you know I meant when I’m making that bank and can afford that good life at a resort. Just from what I’ve seen in pictures and on reality television shows, it really looks like one of the best locations in the Caribbean.

There you have it, my 5 places I wish to visit.

Writing Challenge: Day 1.

List Ten things that make you happy:

Thing 1) Singing. At really loud volumes. Usually the acoustic version. From Taylor to Hillsong United. Nicki Minaj to The Four Tops. Mostly in the car. Whether it’s: Knowing all the words to a song on the radio. Organizing a good mix or playing just that one song on repeat.

Thing 2) New clothes. Coats. Scarves. Socks. Underwear. Long-sleeved Button Up Shirts. Sweaters. Jeans. Boots. Gym Shoes. Gym shorts. New clothes make me happy.

Thing 3) Letters. Handwritten are preferred. Letters about anything. Letters sent via mail. Letters left behind by someone and hidden in places to be discovered. Keeping them and reading them again in the future.

Thing 4) Running around with my crew. Maybe it’s lunch. Maybe it’s drinks. Maybe it’s a day’s road trip for an unpreventable journey. Board games. Peanuts character dancing. Fuzzy’s Fishbowls. Facing new adventures or reminiscing about life’s moments shared (good, bad, anything in between). Friends are great.

Thing 5) Watching my favorite movies. & rewatching them. Not necessarily Knowing every line status. Sometimes waiting just to hear it. Sometimes thinking of the “what if?” scenario. The music played at just the right scene.
When things get really real. “Cancel the wedding. Tell her you can’t marry her.” “I can’t.” & Still get that ‘oh shit’ feeling

Thing 6) Eating out. & not having to pay. This is a rare occurrence. I don’t eat out often (although now it’s about once/twice a week) and when I do I’m generally the one that pays for it. Free food makes me happy. Unless it’s like fish or like kale.

Thing 7) Nice smells. Nice smells on me. In my apt. In my car. On my clothes. On my pillow. Colognes. Candles. Wax melts. I really like good smells around me. Also, world smells. Fresh rain on pavements. Mowed grass. Hamburgers on a grill. Pizza in a cardboard box.

Thing 8) Glitter. This is a recent thing. Glitter makes me happy. Not on everything. Fine. I have an eye for things that sparkle. Whatever. Also gold.

Thing 9) Dalmatians. Love them. Can’t wait to have one. Just the plain white with black spots. Not liver spots. For some reason everyone has to tell me reasons not to get one. “They bully kids. They can’t hear. etc etc” I don’t care. I want one. or a Goldendoodle.

Thing 10) What else? I can’t decide. Having plans I’m really looking forward to? Noticing the scale says I’ve lost weight. Fajitas. Ice water on a hot day. Dog naps. A good workout. Waking up early. Staying up late. Paintball. Bonfires. Tacos. Building great credit. Unsetting an alarm before sleep. Snow days. Summer break. Mimosas.

& another one bites the dust.

& I wanted it, I wanted it so bad.

but there were so many red flags.
Now another one bites the dust.
Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one.

Another break up tonight. Had to end it before it got too crazy. It was headed that direction. Quickly.
Hey here’s a tip, maybe don’t say I love you within the first week of dating? Maybe don’t make fun of people that live in poverty on your first date. Don’t call me derogatory things in public. Don’t use the C word around children.
I know you said you were going to anyway but you don’t need to send that shirt back I bought you. Throw it away.

One of these days, this will all come together right? Right? All this time wasted, will be worth leading me to something good? No?
Watching another one bite the dust is becoming easier. I’m worried it’s getting too easy.
Will anything ever feel right?

Then I attempt to move on. The conversation takes off. Similar interests. Long term goals. Steady job. Same sense of humor. More compliments. More jokes. More compliments. More jokes. This is it. This is good. Finally. Everything up to this point was worth it.
I just got out of a 3 year marriage, two weeks ago.
Red Flag.

& another one bites the dust.


Probably one of the greatest songs ever written for known-adulterers Sugarland’s Stay
Just know that when you’re texting me with your reasons and excuses I’m belting these lyrics, putting you on blast.

But I don’t think that’s the truth.
And I don’t like being used and I’m tired of waiting.

I can’t take it any longer
my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can’t waste another minute
After all that I’ve put in it
I’ve given you my best
Why does he get the best of you

Why don’t you stay
I’m up off my knees.
I’m so tired of being lonely
You can’t give me what I need
When he begs you not to go,
there is one thing you should know.
I don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay,

Holding On and Letting Go

Sorry it’s not a funny post.. you can leave now:)
It’s crazy how much your life can change in a year or a month or 5 days or hell.. even 6 hours. Right now is one of those moments, where I’m alone with my thoughts. All alone. Where I have a moment just to think how much things have changed in my life. Things that make smile. Things that make me do my squinty glare look. You know the one. Things that make me want to get in my car and drive at 2:09 AM and do crazy yelling things. Like in the Notebook, except I would be using more profanities and possibly kick someone’s ass. Some things change for the better; while other things change for the.. well not necessarily worse.. just different.
Sometimes life happens and changes become permanent without your consent. If anything, death is a constant reminder of this. Sorry, this post isn’t meant to be emo-depressing but I went there, and you know it’s true. Other times you find yourself in control of the change about to take place. Most people have found themselves at such a crossroad, having to make a tough decision. For those that haven’t, you can only imagine the pain of letting something you love go or watching it slip away. You can only imagine how difficult it is to have your head and your heart contradict each other. The incessant confusion and dilemma in deciding which side you allow to take the lead.
Constantly coming across this idea/question of “What if there is a way?”
It could drive a person crazy. Now imagine this person with a full time job. Now imagine this person working a job where he can’t use profanities to tell someone off. I think you get the idea.

When in doubt, I’m the type of person that has always picked logistics over feelings. I tend to voice it out loud to others, to make it very clear that I have a black heart with zero feelings for anyone or anything. I prefer harsh realities over fairytale endings.
Well, until recently. I was stupid.

I forgot that when something is right, it’ll come easy.
I won’t have to make excuses and exceptions.

It’s difficult to hold on and let go at the same moment.
It’s seeing everything you wanted. It’s seeing everything you don’t.
It’s watching one door swinging open and at the same time one door swinging closed.
It’s realizing some dreams find an answer while others never know.

Holding on and letting go.

Current Pretend Myspace Song: Iggy’s Black Widow
You know who you are.